How to respond to the demanding child.

In my therapeutic practice and consultation with parents the topic of how to handle ongoing 'requests' is a recurrent theme.  Incessant demands from our kids can drive us parents crazy. The more we seem to give the child, the more the child seems to be asking for, demanding. The demands of the child never stop. This can be very frustrating for the parent as the parent feels that the things he gives the child with so much love, are not really appreciated and valued. It can go so far that the parent himself feels not valued, appreciated, 'used' by the child. 

This unfortunate situation has something to do with a profound misunderstanding between adult and child. The parent becomes exhausted by the demands of the child, because he or she takes the demand at face value. He or she thinks that the child 'really wants' the object he demands.  Then why is he or she not satisfied when I give what he asks for... However, what we ask for is not necessarily what we want. 

I think of the mother of a teenage girl who came to me exhausted and hurt by the demands of her daughter. She had sacrificed so much for her daughter, had given so many things to her  that she could not really afford, and still the daughter was not satisfied. In the treatment the girl was able to tell the mother that she actually wanted her mother to say no, when she asked for yet another new gadget. A 5 year old girl who was doted on by one of her parents told me: 'When it is given to you, you don't want it anymore.' Often, the asked for object, once received, turns to waste and we need a new thing 'to want.' What our children 'really want' from us is to be supported in this dimension of 'wanting.' More than 'being given' things they want, they want to be supported in developing  'their own desires.' 

This is why a child can be much more satisfied with a 'conversation' about a desired object, than with being given the object. The conversation 'sustains' his or her desire, humanizes it. It allows for the gratification to be postponed, In the course of the conversation the child will feel 'recognized,' 'valued.' And the connection with the parent deepens, to great satisfaction of both. 

To schedule an appointment, call me at (530) 321-2970

The secret key to joyful parenting: the art of saying 'no' while also saying 'yes.'

All parents want to be ‘good’ parents.  But, what does it mean to be a ‘good’ parent? This can vary from child to child.  What is 'good' for one child is not necessary 'good' for another, as every child has his or her own unique personality.

Being a 'good' parents is often understood to be a parent who 'meets the needs of the child.' Children have lots of needs, and can make tireless demands on parents. Difficulties between parents and children often start to emerge, when 'meeting the needs of the child,' slides into 'complying with the requests/demands of the child.' The underlying thought of the parent often being: 'If I comply with the child's demands, the child will see me as a 'good' parent, and will recognize me as such.' The parent often complies with the demand out of love for the child: Giving the child what he demands is a sign of the parents' love for the child. The assumption is that the child will be grateful for, and recognize that value of what is given. 

After several years of ‘giving,' 'meeting the needs of the child' parents often become depleted and overcome with the feeling that no matter what they give the child it is never enough. The more they give, the hungrier the child becomes.  

But the child is not hungry for the 'things' he or she asks for. As the parent has understood well, the child asks for an object, in the anticipation that this object will be a sign of the parents' love for the child. Often giving the child 'conversation' rather than the actual object can be more satisfying for the child, AND the parent. This means that a 'no' to a toy, in combination with a conversation about the wonderful toy the child is asking for can be much more satisfying than getting the actual toy. A child wants more than anything else in the world connection with his or her parents. And the way to this connection, the way to say 'yes' to the person of your child sometimes implies the ability to say no to a specific demand, to set a limit, to draw a line. It is the art of saying 'no' to a specific demand, while at the same time saying 'yes' to your child that will help parent and child thrive, that will help them feel connected. 

You can call for an appointment at (530) 321-2970

New Early Childhood Parenting Group forming

Are you stressed by parenting challenges? Are you wondering how to best raise a confident and resilient child? Do you feel alone as a parent? 

You might be interested in joining a new parenting group for parents of children ages 0-5. In a small group environment of 5 to 8 parents we will explore parenting challenges and help you regain confidence in your parenting skills.

This group will focus on developing an understanding of the thoughts and feelings that underlie the interactions between you and your child. The capacity to reflect on your own and your child’s experience, lies at the heart of effective parenting. Contemporary research has demonstrated that developing the capacity to reflect is a valuable way to help parents strengthen relationships with their children and support healthy cognitive and social-emotional development.

The group will meet on Thursdays from 9:30 until 11:00 am. Drop in: $20. Commitment to 6 sessions: $90. 

Check out the flyer

What to tell your child before she or he will be meeting with a therapist

Consulting a therapist for a child can be a difficult decision to make, and once this decision is made, how to talk to the child about it?​

​This will depend on the age of the child. Before the age of 3 children don't really question the function of the person they will meet. But it can be important to reassure them to reduce possible anxiety about meeting an unknown person. 'It is someone we will be meeting to help us, with whom we will be talking a little about you.'

When the child is older than 3, he or she will likely ask more questions. You can use the term 'psychotherapist' and describe it as someone who helps people who are suffering. 'We will be meeting with a psychotherapist because I/we, your parents, think that something makes you unhappy and we want to help you. The therapist will talk with us and with you, and will help us.'​

​Adolescents will have a certain idea about psychotherapy based on media or their environment. It is important to tell them that meeting with a therapist does not mean that they are 'crazy,' but that you are concerned about them. With adolescents it can work to do some research on the internet together, and talk about what you read there.  Make sure you look at reputable sites, though! 

Brochure: Help for Children and Parents in Chico

Are you looking for help for a child that is dear to you? Are you struggling to make sense of your child's behavior? Or do you know a family that needs help? Check out my new brochure: 'Helping Children and Parents', ​and call me with questions you might have, or if you would like copies for interested people.

Help for Depression

Depression might be a little bit overused term these days. Sometimes one thinks being ‘depressed’ just because one feels down. It is important to make a clear distinction between being ‘depressed,’ 'down,' and being truly clinically depressed. 

Feeling somewhat sad, less energetic, ‘blue,’ not feeling like socializing and just wanting to do nothing, happens to everyone. It’s a good thing that our rhythm slows down at times, that we give ourselves a break. When this lasts for a couple days, up to a couple weeks, one can say that one is ‘depressed.’ Typically, after this period of rest, there is new found energy and drive. 

Clinical depression is something else. It consists of precise symptoms that can typically last for several months. One may observe sleeping troubles, changes in appetite, extreme tiredness, intense sadness and hopelesness. 

Depressive feelings and clinical depression are frequent among adults and adolescents. But children can also present depressive symptoms that can present very differently than those of adults. They typically exhibit irritable behavior.

It is important to know that when someone is clinically depressed, mere ‘will’ and ‘determination’ or efforts made by the immediate environment and loved ones will not be effective in helping the depressed person move out of his or her depressed state. When living in this state it is important to get help. Medications could be helpful at a certain point. Psychotherapy can be a treatment that addresses the causes that have lead to the current state. It is a way to help the person take control of his or her life again. Throughout the process one will be able to come to terms with oneself. 

Reflective vs reactive parenting

​This is an older but still interesting post on 'reflective' parenting from Psychology Today.  Reflective parenting helps parents to 'reflect' on the intentions, thoughts, desires, goals... that are motivating their children's behavior. A parenting approach that takes this reflective stance, rather than reacting to the behavior without considering what might be behind it, is proven to improve the parent-child relationship: it leads to an increased sense of connectedness between the parent and the child, and helps the child regulate his or her emotions and behaviors better.  In this approach it is not crucial that you come up with the right reason underlying your child's behavior. As the mind of another person, and also of your own child, will always remain to some extent opaque, this approach implies that it is not crucial to find the the exact right motivation of your child's behavior.  More important is to have the reflective, wondering stance towards your child's thoughts and intentions.  

The doors are now truly open! New psychotherapist's office welcomes children and adults

​The Waiting Room is inviting...

to the young ones...

...and the not so young ones.​

​The Consultation room

Mental Health and Other Relevant Resources in Butte County

Child-related:

First 5 Butte County ​

Valley Oak Children Services

Far Northern Regional Center​

​GLBT ... community​

Stonewall Alliance